I was shocked after reading a controversial USA Today article discussing the quality of meat served in America’s public schools. Would someone tell me when, exactly, did they started serving meat in school lunches?

Meat must have been added to the menu in the last few years, because the only thing I tasted in those “hamburgers” as a kid was soy. Smother them in ketchup, though, and they didn’t taste half bad. Oh, who am I kidding?

It wasn’t just the hamburgers that were awful, though. They screwed up every variety of potato ever made; (instant) mashed potatoes and gravy, tator tots, potato wedges, french fries, hash browns, and the famously derivative tri-tator (a hash brown cut in the shape of a triangle).

They earned extra points with all the kiddies when they’d bring out the broccoli or worse yet, breaded okra.

Main dishes weren’t any better. Squares of Tony’s pizza with toppings such as imitation pepperoni were bad enough. Those things were so dry, there is no way any bacteria could live there.

Worse yet, though, were the turkey and noodles. This thick substance had a greater resemblance to vomit than food, easily served up via the versatile ice-cream scoop. USA Today noted that many of today’s schools are serving birds that would normally go to pet food, but I think they literally had cooks working the sides of the roads searching for the foul fowl that went into the turkey and noodles. But what did you expect for a buck a meal?

Of course, once a month they would roll out their specialty; crunchy munchy chili with a cinnamon roll. The crunchy munchy part really just meant they put a few Fritos on top, but it sure made it sound fancy. Compared to the normal menu, the chili was a real treat. Sadly, though, you also knew that within the next week they’d reheat the decaying remnants of that great meal, add some soy and call it a sloppy joe.

Schools didn’t have a problem with meat when I was a kid. The solution is soy-mple.