Top 10 Ways to Avoid an ExamMar 1st, 2010 | By msuunder | Category: Entertainment, Top 10
by Clay Leeson
Exams, generally speaking, suck. There have been very few times in my life where I can remember getting all “super-pumped” to take a test. Mostly, when it comes to exam time, I wait until 3 hours before I’m going to bed before I read through my notes and at that usually only once or twice.
Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just get out of it and not go through the rigors of studying? The following is a list of “ways” to avoid the ever-so-delightful exam.
1) Stab yourself in the eye. An obvious course, honestly. If you take out either eye, right or left is irrelevant, the time spent in recovery will surely, if properly timed, coincide
with examination day and be a generally accepted excuse.
2) Get pregnant. Though, still a problem for male students, it is a perfectly acceptable reason not to take an exam. However, I must warn that the long-term effects of pregnancy can be quite detrimental to other areas of life.
3) Kill off your roommate. Jail, grief, or time spent at the funeral should keep you sufficiently occupied during test time. However, along with number 2 the long-term effects can be disastrous.
4) Feign a seizure in class. Seconds before the exam is administered fall out of your seat and begin wriggling about and knocking things, like desks, over. If played right, with frothing mouth and such, you should find yourself en route to Taylor Health and not test-land.
5) Dress like the opposite sex and sing “Its Raining Men” by Geri Halliwell. You should be hauled off to a local mental institution and expertly avoid the big “T,” but this has not been proven and may ruin any chances of a future relationship/marriage with anyone.
6) Volunteer for scientific research. This one not only takes time, but in certain psych classes can be counted for extra credit. However, avoid anything involving chemicals or small woodland creatures.
7) Travel back in time and take out the catalyst to whatever subject the exam covers. Ex: Poison P
ythagoras, who created that confounded triangle theorem, and say goodbye to Geometry.
8) Create your own Monastic order that prohibits taking examinations. Though start-up
is costly, having to purchase robes and publish “holy” books, its incentive is multiplicative as you
gain new members and convert the masses.
9) Bring your professors pastries laced with laxatives. It is always good to take out the source of your frustrations and in this case that is Professor So-and-so. Remember that for a Dr. the wait is 15 minutes before leaving class, so use extra laxatives.
10) Get caught cheating on purpose. This will get you expelled from school so that you never have to take another examination ever again, but I should warn that the effects of this include spending the next 50+ years as a gas station janitor. Have fun.